To Squat, Or Not To Squat... That Is The Question

Male and Female toilet signs in a shopping mall in Bangkok

[OK, here's fair warning: today's post deals with using what I call a "squat" toilet. It isn't always a pretty situation - especially for those of us who are somewhat balance challenged. You've been warned. It's not graphic, but if you'd prefer a less detailed toilet piece, try "Wet footprints on the seat" from last month. ]

From a very young age, many Asians (and Africans, and others) spend their share of time in a squatting position, sitting on their haunches. It's a way of resting, it's a common position for eating from the bowls in front of you at a family meal, it's a way of waiting, and it's the position countless Asians assume to use the toilet. Males assume it mainly for pooping, females for pooping and peeing. It's a position most of us raised in the West are baffled by when we're faced with attempting it - for the first time, at least.

When I'd first suggested to my best friend that he accompany me to Thailand, his first comment was "I don't do squat toilets." That didn't surprise me much; earlier he'd flatly refused to go camping, which also sometimes involves some creative elimination, but it also made me think of the first time I had to use one of these Eastern commodes, and it wasn't a pleasant memory. "I promise," I said solemnly "I would not book you into a place where you'd have to use one." It wasn't a guarantee I could honestly make, but I figured I was safe in making it... if he wasn't - as I was one trip - blessed with the Thai Trots and had no choice as to where or when he needed the toilet.

If you've been forced to imitate the proverbial "bear in the woods" and poop out in the wild, you know it's not just the lack of toilet tissue, it's also a question of balance.

If you're currently some place where you can try this, get up from where you're sitting and squat down on the floor with your feet spread apart, close to shoulder width. Maybe set a pen on the floor in front of you in case someone sees you so you can save face by saying you dropped it before getting back into your chair! This puts you into the basic stance you'd need to use the blue floored toilet like the one above to the left. That one was on a train rocking and rumbling through Isaan, and the light you see down the drain was sunlight on the track bed below. If you're not used to squat toilets try that one some time.

The way I was instructed was to just take your pants and underwear off to begin with, but naturally I was stubborn enough to insist I didn't need to do all that and asked my friend to describe how he did it. My guess is that he wasn't as amused to be demonstrating for me as he was imagining me trying it on my own for the first time, because he was grinning ear to ear. "Easy," he smiled, knowing damn good and well it isn't, to begin with.

A "hybrid" raised toilet, but still for squatting (right) -->

"Don't put pants halfway down, put all the way down... but careful, not on the floor." He pantomimed lowering his trousers as he squatted, feet apart to help keep them from touching the floor. Just to mid-thigh doesn't allow as much movement and balance, and risks soiling them, he said. Consider rolling up the legs or tucking them into your socks, if you're wearing them.

Oh. One more important thing: secure the belongings you have in your pockets - keys, coins, wallet, passport, whatever - before you lower them over what is essentially a hole in the floor leading directly to Hell. If you think merely dropping your wallet into a toilet like some of those shown here and (merely) get soiled, just imagine how pleased you'd be seeing it go down the blue one above and have it scattered along the tracks between a couple of farms out in the middle of nowhere.

THIS is the minimum you'd find in a hotel, so don't let this post scare you away

Some suggest disrobing from the waist down if there's a way to hang your pants and underwear on a hook or doorknob. Be aware, though, that you're in a toilet and the floor can be dirty, wet, or both, and your socks and/or feet may well get wet. I did this one time in a gas station toilet that had just been cleaned by a maintenance person (well... hosed down, anyway) and still picked up enough bacteria from the floor that my shoes were aromatic later that day. I had to buy some spray to quell the odor.

When you squat down, resist the urge to stand on your toes. This greatly decreases your ability to balance, and balance is everything. Face away from the drain, which usually means facing the entrance to the room or cubicle you entered to use it. Rest flat footed, which puts you in a position to "sit" on your thigh muscles. Men will have to "tuck" themselves downwards so they don't pee onto their pants. Then all you have to do is keep your balance (one hand touching a wall helps a newbie), answer the call of nature and then reach for... reach for... wait. Where's the roll of toilet tissue?

Ah, sorry... forgot to mention that. If you hadn't already noticed, for a country with a roll of it on every dining table from Nong Khai to Hat Yai to be used as napkins, you will very rarely see toilet paper in a toilet outside of a hotel, upscale restaurant or classy shopping center. Sometimes at a public toilets there is a person stationed there to collect your two or three baht charge (yes, some toilets have a fee) that can also sell you the packet of tissue for another two baht or so. It's a good investment, I think.

Sometimes you'll see vending machines that dispense a small packet of tissues for a few baht - somewhat like the small bundles a woman might have in her purse - but more often than not what you'll see is either a small spray hose or a container of water with a little pan or dish floating in it or to the side, which you use - carefully, while still squatting - to clean yourself as you see fit.

The photo above shows a family hong nam in Isaan. Note the reservoir of water to what would be your left as you squatted on the toilet with your back to the wall. The pink handled pan is what you'd use to splash water on yourself to wash off with. If you've lowered the water level in the reservoir it's expected you'd open the faucet/spigot and re-fill the water for the next person. The hand-held shower attachment was on the wall directly behind me when I took the picture. As you can see it was time for a cleaning, although mildew is always a challenge in a warm, humid climate.

Hong means room, and nam means water, so it's fair to expect a bathroom to be a wet place; you aren't expected to keep water off of the floor. In a "normal" home and some rented rooms the bathing area is part of the same space as the toilet, and the water flows into a single drain in the cement or tile floor. We'll deal with bathing another day.

By the way, it's considered common courtesy to rinse down the toilet for the next person after you've finished. Use the nozzle or a couple pans or bowls of water to "flush" and rinse the bowl.

What do you do about your wet backside? You just deal with it. Personally, I take the last quarter of a roll of toilet tissue that's stocked in my hotel or rented room's toilet, smash it flat and put it into my pocket and carry it along with me. If you just take the last part of the roll, it's rarely noticeable - actually looking like a wallet in a back pocket. You can also buy small tissue packs at most any 7-eleven or pharmacy and carry one of those along with you when you're out.

Let me add here that while Western toilets aren't common when you're out and away from where Westerners are apt to be, you WILL find them. Oftentimes there's at least one stall with a sit-down toilet, but it's wiser to be prepared.

So, now that you've read this you're all ready to venture into a public rest room with your head held high and emerge successfully - hopefully without any wet areas on your pants - and go about your day. I'll address any questions and things I may have forgotten or left unclear in another post soon, if necessary. The comments section is always open.

One last thing: a small bottle of that liquid hand sanitizer would come in handy about now. If there's a sink to wash your hands, there's rarely soap - or a towel.

As a final photo, here's the uncropped picture from the October 14th "Footprints on the seat" post. Standard Western toilets (especially those with plastic seats) won't tolerate the uneven shifting weight of someone squatting on them very well. Might as well end this today with a smile.