Monday, November 15, 2010

Arranged Marriages

A Thai friend of mine had quite a dilemma last year. In order to relate the story I'm changing some details and using one of my "Sunset" photos, just so there's a picture for today's post. Let's call my friend Nong (which means younger, as he's just now 30) and his female friend Bua (meaning lotus flower, as she is a beautiful young woman).

Although the men are usually the actual breadwinners in the Thai culture, many times the women rule the roost at home. It's rarely safe to make blanket generalizations, but this is certainly the case in almost all Filipino families I've known in my life, and seems to carry into most of the Thai families I've come in contact with so far, too. Nong's family is one such group. Nong's mother selected his school, his educational path and nudged him into the stable professional job he now labors away at a good 10 hours a day.

Nong's family is Muslim, the minority religion in Thailand (less than 6% of the total population), but one of quite strong beliefs. His father is quite active in mentoring and educating others in the Muslim ways, and their home is often the meeting place for readings, discussions and celebrations.

While Nong himself is a strong believer in the faith and holds almost all of their traditions to the letter, there's one he's had no choice in, and one that has caused him a great deal of introspection and thought: Nong is a gay man in a culture that finds his natural inclinations an abomination, and there lies his dilemma: unwilling to face what he feels would be the certain loss of his family and the probable shunning by his community, he lives firmly locked in the prison of "the closet," as do many others in this world.

A couple of years ago Nong's mother decided it was time for grandchildren, and that meant Nong must marry and get on the job, so to speak. As is their tradition, Mother found a wife for Nong, a date was set and there was an ornate and festive day of ceremonial nuptials, food and celebration, widely attended by their family, friends and community.

Nong sent me an invitation but my finances and schedule didn't allow me to attend their wedding, although I'd have been more than happy to witness it to provide whatever peripheral emotional support possible from a safe distance, and, of course, to satisfy my own curiosity. In the note he'd enclosed with the invitation he wrote "This day will not be a happy day for me. She is a family friend, but I do not love her." These few words were some of the saddest I'd read in a long time, and with a tear in my eye I wished him well, knowing he was heading down an unhappy path; not alone, but not with a companion of his choosing.

After asking around I purchased an appropriate wedding gift, wrapped it up and took it to the post office to ship to he and Bua, but it wasn't with the smiling anticipation I'd normally stand in line with when sending a similar package.

Fortunately for Nong, he and Bua did become friends. He found they got along fairly well, shared similar tastes in everyday things, and both had the bonds of their faith. He was able to "perform" as expected, but found reasons not to do so as often as possible, aided by both his and Bua's long work days and long commutes to their home. Bua would often stay with her family to save her the two hour commute to their marital home, and Nong worked so late he'd regularly been sleeping on a cot in his office for a couple of years already.

A couple of months ago I received my first phone call from Nong to my home here in the US. He sounded sad, and I sat down to listen to his tale of woe. Despite their best efforts over nine months or so, Bua had not become pregnant. Her patience wearing thin, Nong's mother sent them to doctors to be checked out, and while Nong's "little swimmers" were just fine, Bua's eggs were not. They would not be able to have children of their own. A divorce was out of the question, and many in the family - naturally Bua and Nong, but especially Nong's mother - were inconsolable. Nong was doubly sad: married, gay and unable to make children to be some joy to him.

"NOW what shall I do?" asked my friend, his voice breaking as he began to cry. Wishing I could give him a hug but well aware he was 8,000 miles away I waited quietly while he wept and then composed himself. "What do I do now?" he asked again, and I had no good answer. "Well, Nong, you care a lot about Bua, yes?" "Yes," he allowed "but I still do not love her. I sleep on a mat next to our bed when I am home."

"Then you have two choices," I said, trying to be sensitive, respectful and logical all at the same time, which is not always my strong suit. "You make the best of things as many others do, or you tell your family the truth and take whatever comes after that." "I know," he said, softly. "I will do as I must do."

Nong and Bua are still together, and the only ones who know the truth are Nong and I.

6 comments:

krobbie said...

BaoBao, I write with a tear in my eye for Nong and for Bua. What a bloody business. Religion brings pressure to many, I am not among them.

As you are aware Bobey is Muslim but his family is very loving and as the eldest son it is fortunate he has 3 other brothers and a sister to procreate to assuage the mothers and fathers of the spouses.

Actually his youngest brother will not be seeking a wife. Enough said.

Bobey has been married but not for the reason in your post. Mainly his was to be able remain in Thailand after already having been deported back to his home country one time previously.

From that marriage 8 years ago came a child who was born at a very poor hospital and has Cerebral Palsy.

Fortunately his ex wife and child are very dear to him and I have traveled to meet them.

For his birthday this year, which happens to be Christmas Day, I have sprung for a sleeper for his ex and daughter and they are coming to stay for a few days at our hotel to swim and relax and for his daughter to practice in the wheelchair I am bringing her from New Zealand.

I have spoken with his father on Skype when he went home to visit a couple of months ago. His father said how pleased he was that Bobey had met me several years ago and that I treat him with such care and love. That from a very strict Muslim family head is praise indeed and I am looking forward to meeting them next year.

I also spoke to 2 of his brothers and to his nephew and niece online. It is quite a revelation to me that these folk, despite their religion, can open their hearts for the sake of the love of a
family member.

I recognise that this is uncommon which makes it all the more amazing and special to me.

Perhaps Nong's parents are without compassion but sometimes we don't give our families enough credit.

Yours,
K.

khunbaobao said...

I was thinking about Bobey when I was writing this today, and I'm glad things are different for him.

Something tells me that things would calm down after the initial storm for Nong, too - but as important as they are to him he's not willing to take that chance.

It's a shame there's such unhappiness in this world caused merely by who people love.

Anonymous said...

Infertility can be overcome. Tell them to go to Nawabutr Fertility Clinic in Bangkok. They can help them.

khunbaobao said...

That's a good suggestion, thank you - I'll pass it along. It's been mentioned in conversation but I'm not sure if it's been investigated yet.

Anonymous said...

An interesting account. Thanks for this.

All the best, Boonie

khunbaobao said...

As a follow-up to the fertility clinic suggestion above Nong has since told me that such procedures are not allowed by his faith. I may have not been clear with my question and he may have misunderstood, but that's how I took it. They continue to do well, however.